How to Work with People You Don’t Agree with or Like
Adam Kahane, a renowned conflict resolution expert, offers valuable insights in his book “Collaborating with the Enemy: How to Work with People You Don’t Agree with or Like or Trust” This work explores the art of fostering collaboration and finding common ground in seemingly intractable conflicts.
The idea that one definition of collaboration—working together to achieve a similar goal—is fundamentally different from another—conspiring with the enemy—threatens to undermine collaboration. We think that in order to achieve a common objective, we need to collaborate with people that we like, trust, agree with, and are acquainted with. But the reality is that we frequently collaborate with individuals that we don’t like, trust, or agree with. This is something that we can all agree upon. Working with people we don’t like or trust is more difficult, even though disagreeing with them can have a lot of positive effects (see The Difference).
According to Jonathan Haidt’s explanation in The Righteous Mind, our capacity for cooperation is probably the main reason humans have taken over as the planet’s predominant biomass. Though there’s more to it than mindreading, some have claimed that our capacity to collaborate with one another is essentially mindreading. We are able to see what other people are thinking, but we also have to find ourselves cooperating to achieve a common objective, or at the very least, something we are both willing to strive toward.
Consequently, we presume that in order to collaborate, we need to like, trust, and agree with others—even though we are aware that this isn’t the case. We see that the descriptions that initially appeared to be opposites are actually two characterizations of the same phenomenon—collaborating to achieve a common objective, frequently with the assistance of someone who would be viewed as an adversary.
Who is the winner and who is the loser?
Working together, we are able to bring about change. Although it may sound ambitious, our aim is to bring about change in some modest or significant way. The fact that we are collaborating with others to achieve the goal almost guarantees its size. These lofty objectives bring about change for individuals involved, and depending on their point of view, some of those involved will emerge victors and others losers.
This could result in faster or less labor-intensive activities. It makes sense to take on less work unless you’re afraid about losing your job. Although it may seem that faster operations are better for the company, are they really better for the person who has to keep up with the increased output?
We must remember that the shared objectives at the core of collaboration may have positive or bad effects on each individual, and that the perception plays a major role in determining whether an effect is favorable or negative.
Control is an illusion
Although it’s an illusion, everyone wants to feel in control. We crave control because it seems clear-cut and easy, but we have to acknowledge that reality is more complicated than that. The world we live in is probabilistic. Although we can affect people, we cannot control them. We are all leaders and followers because we all have the ability to influence others, as Joseph Rost discusses in Leadership for the Twenty-First Century. Our joint endeavors require us to take the lead, but we also need to be willing to follow others’ lead. Our capacity to learn and develop more accurate worldviews may be the beauty of collaboration.
Here are seven key lessons gleaned from Kahane’s insightful exploration
1. Embrace Paradox:
Conflicts often present seemingly contradictory truths. Instead of trying to resolve these paradoxes, Kahane suggests embracing them. By acknowledging the complexities and contradictions inherent in conflict, we can create a more nuanced understanding of the situation and pave the way for innovative solutions.
2. Seek Shared Purpose:
A shared purpose, even if seemingly distant, can provide a bridge between opposing parties. By identifying common goals or values, we can create a shared narrative that fosters collaboration and reduces adversarial tensions.
3. Cultivate Curiosity:
Approaching conflict with curiosity rather than judgment is essential. By asking open-ended questions and seeking to understand the perspectives of others, we can build trust and empathy, creating a more conducive environment for collaboration.
4. Embrace Uncertainty:
Conflict resolution is rarely a linear process. Accepting uncertainty and embracing the unknown is crucial for navigating the complexities of collaboration. By being adaptable and open to new possibilities, we can navigate challenges more effectively.
5. Leverage Diversity:
Diversity of thought and experience can be a powerful asset in conflict resolution. By valuing different perspectives and incorporating them into the problem-solving process, we can develop more innovative and sustainable solutions.
6. Build Trust Incrementally:
Trust is the foundation of effective collaboration. Building trust takes time and effort. By starting small and gradually demonstrating reliability and integrity, we can foster a climate of trust that is essential for resolving conflicts.
7. Celebrate Successes, No Matter How Small:
Recognizing and celebrating progress, even small victories, can reinforce the belief that collaboration is possible. By acknowledging achievements, we can maintain momentum and inspire others to participate in the process.
By applying these lessons from “Collaborating with the Enemy,” individuals and organizations can develop the skills and strategies needed to navigate complex conflicts and build more collaborative and harmonious relationships.
